The Hidden Forces Behind Your Money Habits

For the most part, we are aware of what we should do with money—save regularly, spend wisely, and avoid debt when possible. This is particularly true for people who read Canadian MoneySaver magazine. But if you've ever made a purchase you regretted, avoided opening your credit card bill, felt a wave of anxiety after looking at your bank balance, or hesitated to buy or invest in something you need, you’ve probably already sensed that money isn’t just about math—it’s about emotion, memory, and identity.

As a psychologist, I see it all the time: people trying to change their money habits with willpower alone, without first understanding the deeper patterns shaping their behaviour. If money is a language, many of us are speaking it fluently without ever learning its grammar. We know how we spend, but we don’t always understand why.

This matters. Because until you start to make sense of your money habits, it’s hard to see all the options available to you and to truly change them. Real, lasting change almost always begins with curiosity.

1. Your Early Environment Still Echoes

Is money the final taboo? Whether money was talked about openly in your home—or never mentioned at all—you absorbed a set of emotional cues about what money means. Maybe it was something that caused stress or tension. Maybe it was tied to success or self-worth. Maybe it was used to control or reward. These emotional associations don’t disappear just because we grow up.

They often show up in quiet but powerful ways: the urge to overwork, the fear of losing what you’ve saved, or the discomfort that creeps in when you spend on yourself. These are not random quirks. They are echoes of earlier experiences that shaped your sense of security, agency, and value and have become schema or assumptions that you operate on without noticing. They are the air you breathe.

Start by thinking about what money meant in your family growing up. Was it ever used to express love? Withheld as punishment? Was it a source of anxiety or pride, shame or boastfulness? Even a few moments of reflection can uncover the root of patterns that feel "stuck" in adulthood.

2. Spending as a Way to Feel Something (or Nothing)

We often think of impulsive spending as being the result of a lack of discipline. But more often, it’s a way of managing emotions—especially the ones we haven’t fully acknowledged or take pains to avoid. Shopping can bring a temporary feeling of control, pleasure, or even connection in moments when we feel low, overwhelmed, or disconnected.  And that’s not a character flaw. Spending may give us a brief dopamine hit or sense of relief or escape, much like emotional eating or doom-scrolling. The real challenge is recognizing when you’re spending not because you need something, but because you’re trying to feel something—or avoid something.  Although shopping is not necessarily the most sustainable coping mechanism, it does fill a need. When we remove one coping mechanism, we must replace it with a new more adaptive practice to make it a sustainable change.

You might ask: What do I tend to buy when I’m tired, lonely, or anxious? What do I hope that purchase will give me, emotionally? When you start looking at spending through the lens of self-soothing, the behaviour often makes much more sense—and becomes easier to work with. Finding a different coping mechanism to help you regulate your emotions such as working out, socializing, or giving back to your community can be a great substitute and can be deeply enriching (pun intended).

3. The Guilt of Wanting More

Not everyone struggles with overspending. For some, the harder part is allowing themselves to spend at all. They feel guilty for wanting more—more comfort, more ease, more beauty, more fun. They downplay their needs, under-price their work, or defer dreams because they’ve internalized the idea that wanting is selfish or indulgent.

If these people were in a cartoon, they would have an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other, but the angel would always win and would become so overpowering they might become a bit of a bully, never allowing a splurge or any time or money for pleasure, leading to a miserly and restricted poor quality of life.

This often comes from growing up in environments where there wasn’t enough to go around—or where needing things felt like a burden to others. Over time, these feelings can harden into beliefs: I should make do. I shouldn’t ask for too much. I'm fine without it.

These beliefs can quietly limit your ability to build the life you want. In Britain, there is an expression for this: “penny wise, pound foolish”, where opportunities for growth or investment become restricted by the fear or loss of control of money. They keep you in a constant state of scarcity, even when your circumstances change. If you struggle with spending on yourself, try asking: What would it mean to believe I’m allowed to want what I want?

4. Debt and the Secret Economy of Emotion

Debt can carry shame, but it also carries stories. Some people spend to feel free from the expectations of others. Some use debt to maintain an identity they fear losing—of being competent, generous, and successful. For others, debt becomes a kind of secret rebellion or a hidden form of pressure release.

Money doesn’t just buy things; it buys feelings—of independence, safety, visibility, even love. When we begin to name the feeling we’re trying to buy, we can begin to find other ways to access those experiences.

That’s not to say debt is always emotional. Many people fall into debt for reasons entirely outside their control. But for those who find themselves returning to the same patterns again and again, it’s worth asking: What emotional need is this filling? And what might I need instead?

5. Avoidance Feels Safer—Until It Isn’t

One of the most common patterns I see isn’t overspending or underspending—it’s avoidance. Ignoring account balances. Postponing financial decisions. Keeping things vague. This makes sense when money has become tangled up with fear or shame. Sometimes, not knowing feels like the only way to stay calm. This is a form of denial that can lead to financial problems that can snowball and spin out of control.

But avoidance always has a cost. And it usually grows over time. The longer you wait to look, the more overwhelming it feels. The goal isn’t to shame yourself into action—it’s to build enough emotional safety that you can start facing money with clarity instead of fear.

If this is your pattern, start small. One honest conversation with yourself. You don’t have to do everything at once. You just must begin with some baby steps and some deep breathing.

6. Money as a Mirror

When we talk about money, we’re rarely just talking about money. We’re talking about how we see ourselves, what we believe we deserve, and how safe or connected we feel in the world. Money mirrors our values, wounds, hopes, and fears. This is why changing your money habits often requires more than a new strategy. It requires a new story.

This doesn’t mean throwing out your budget or ignoring practical tools. It means adding reflection to the mix. What are your money habits trying to show you about yourself? Where are you still acting out an old script? What would it feel like to live by a new one?

7. From Judgment to Curiosity

When people wonder how to change their relationship with money, I always say: start with curiosity, not control. Sometimes this becomes a clinical issue seeing patients in psychotherapy or psychological assessments in my practice. People will say that they can’t afford therapy but then spend a lot of money on shopping and eating out. Others have been taken advantage of by people close to them and express their difficulty trusting or investing in themselves or valuing themselves by expressing frustration about the cost of therapy. Many people do experience very real difficulty affording mental health treatment, which is unfair and can keep people stuck in existing financial, and emotional patterns. No matter where you are, curiosity is a very good starting point to begin noticing your patterns and assumptions.  Before you rush into a new budget or beat yourself up over an old mistake, ask:

• What is this behaviour trying to protect me from?
• What was I feeling before I did this?
• What old message might still be shaping my choices?

Money isn’t just about transactions. It’s about relationships—especially your relationship with yourself. And like any relationship, it takes patience, honesty, and compassion to make it stronger.

Try This: A Reflective Exercise

To begin building more insight into your money patterns, try writing about these prompts. You may want to write about this to better reflect on your thoughts:

1. What’s your earliest memory of money?
2. What messages did you get (spoken or unspoken) about money growing up?
3. How do you tend to behave with money when you're stressed or overwhelmed?
4. What do you find hardest to spend money on? Why?

You might be surprised at what comes up. And you might discover that financial wellbeing isn’t just about cutting costs or increasing income—it’s also about listening more deeply to what your behaviours are trying to tell you.

Final Thoughts

We often treat money like a math problem, but for most people, it's an emotional puzzle. And you can't solve an emotional puzzle with logic alone. You need reflection. You need awareness. And sometimes, you need support.

Whether you're trying to break out of a debt cycle, stop arguing with your partner about spending, or simply feel more at peace when you check your bank account, remember this: your money habits aren’t random. They make sense in the context of your life.

And once you begin to understand that story, you're in a much better position to rewrite it.

Dr. Maura Ferguson is the founder and director of  Dr. Maura Ferguson & Associates. Her extensive clinical journey spans diverse landscapes, including community mental health, public health, addiction, private practice, and educational settings.